HOW TO GET DIVORCED IF YOU ARE STUCK IN AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE - IN THE USA
HOW
TO GET DIVORCED IF YOU ARE STUCK IN AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE - IN THE USA
So you know that your relationship with your husband is not working. You have tried therapy. Or you know that you can't bring this up because he is either emotionally controlling, controlling of money, or physically abusive, you can't communicate with him, or he will become paranoid if you even mention it.
It is important that you understand that there are emergency shelters that will temporarily house you and your kids, while he is removed from the house by court order. Mme says he here but it could also be a she abuser.....
There are laws (only in the US) that make it possible to force him to leave very quickly - immediately. They also mandate that he pay you temporarily child support and or alimony, until the divorce goes before a court. How do I know, Mme Dr Gustave hath done it herself.
If he does not pay, they will arrest him and or take his license away - you can install an alarm system, get a restraining order, or stay in an anonymous shelter until things calm down. The restraining order will mean that if you call police, they will take him away.
Whatever is going on, you must make sure you are safe - you should know that women in physically or mentally abusive relationships have successfully left the relationship and have been granted the house, the kids, and child support as well as alimony payments that can be enacted quickly. Physical abuse is a crime.
Try to build your self confidence and practice self care - take time for you, visit a counselor, pastor or trusted friend to get support. Talk to the nearest women's shelter. Go to yoga, the gym, eat well, sleep well and try to take care of yourself - we all must do this. Do nto mention it to him at all. Act as if nothing is wrong.
1. Secretly save money if you have none, set some aside in a private account or hide cash. I have known women who got cash back at the supermarket for 12 months saving $25 a time, to pay a lawyer. They have sold items, set up PO boxes, received mail at work or at friends houses. Keep a bag with important papers handy so you can grab it if needed (passports or birth certificates).
2. Make sure he is not recording you or following you or otherwise surveilling you (Mme was surveilled and had to park far from my lawyer before going, as there was a tracer in her car).
3. Visit a lawyer. Explain your situation. The lawyer will tell you about the EX PARTE DIVORCE.
4. Ex parte divorce is not a real divorce - it is simply a temporary order, that is a restraining order, AND a temporary divorce in which you will be granted residence of the house with the kids, you will get child support money, alimony and he will have to be removed by police.
5. This is harsh - but I tell you - he will be gone from one day to the next - he will be very angry - but it will make him think twice about beating you ever again. Or bothering you.
6. If the house is in both your names, it does not matter. If the house is in just his name, it does not matter - if he bought it while you were married, it belongs to both of you. Ask your lawyer for details on this. In most cases you can take a mortgage out in your name and pay him half the value of the house. Or you can sell it and move and split its value. In my case it was found that my husband gambled on the stock market and had secretly amassed 800,000 without talking to me about investments. He claimed to have lost all of it 3 months before the divorce trial (1.5 yrs. after the ex parte divorce where he was removed). So, the judge gave me the house that was already paid off. But in most cases, you can take out a new mortgage and pay him half to keep it.
7. The ex parte is filed in court without him there. You say you feel in danger and they will grant it. I feared for my life, especially since he had been violent and had also taken 500,000 life insurance in my name which the company cancelled as I found out he faked my signature.....then the judge said it would be good for me to be gone with the kids when the police come - we coordinated to know when it would happen. I was so scared I stayed in a hotel the first few nights as I was scared, he would plow his car into the house out of anger. It was fine - he never tried anything. .
8. Stay in a hotel or a shelter for the first few days - then go back to the house with the kids. Yes, it is dramatic and hard, but it is SO WORTH it to get your life back. And you will get money from him if he has a job and will be ok - get a PT job just to cover things in case he does not pay. I came back to my house and he was gone. He rented a place in town
9. More details in another post!
Any life is better than a life of control and abuse - I will keep updating this....new entry coming - should I stay or go? How to know if your marriage might be worth leaving, and What are the advantages of being a divorcee - the bonuses noone ever talks about!
Books to read:
- Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Nacisstistic Personality Disorder. This book is excellent - Mme Dr had it on her Kindle app, read it in the sauna, it helped SO MUCH. Create your own amazon acct ladies - then put it on your kindle - don't use a joint account - be smart.....
- highconflictinstitute.com
This guy has some good videos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZOOA9heAf0
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